Dopplegangers in Generica

"When the gods looked away, something slipped into the world. It held an elm branch in front of its face, so it could not be seen. It busied itself in the affairs of elves and men. It smiled and seemed friendly.

When the elves and men looked away, it wet its lips and ate them up. It crunched their bones and slurped their brains. It pulled the elm branch away, and it had the face of an elf and the face of a man. It was both and neither. 

When the gods looked back and saw this, they were confused. "Wh-what is that?!" they cried, "Did you make that? Who made that?!" All replied "Not I". "Wh-what is it? WHAT IS IT?!" they shouted, no one would take the blame. 

If someone busies themselves in your affairs, if they're not quite elf or man, if they smile and seem friendly, do not look away"
-Saul Spidermin, recounting an old fey tale.

Dopplegangers in Remlia

In the world of Generica there are many creatures that can change their faces. Ancient wyrms are said to take the form of bent travellers, hags and vampires can take the shape of comely lasses and nubile men, even goblins can imitate the traits of those better than them. None compare to the imitation that is a doppleganger.

Dopplegangers are scary in concept. They're a creature that can look like anyone and exist to steal your secrets and take your place. That can be pretty arresting stuff. Then again, there's a lot of monsters that can look like other things. Mimics can look like various inanimate objects, changelings can do most of the things dopplegangers can do, but less so.

So I propose that they're all one and the same.

The perfect imitator.

A doppleganger is an intangible and inhuman thing, trying to mimic other lifeforms. Perhaps they start out simple and formless; small creatures with rudimentary transformation abilities. Relatively harmless, until they begin to learn more.

Not especially intimidating at first.

Then they become Mimics, moving up the food chain, bettering their ability to blend in and change shape. With greater intelligence, they become masters at imitating inanimate objects. Only once they've devoured a sapient creature's brains can they shapeshift into one.

An especially large Mimic.

They then become Changelings; fully sapient and aware, able to blend in with the gatherings of other humanoid sapient creatures. Here the changeling can either fully adopt its chosen form permanently, or continue its more monstrous existence as an alien other. Most choose the latter. After they've consumed the brains of more than one race of creatures, they become true Dopplegangers.

Their imitations are now flawless.

True dopplegangers are masters of imitation and disguise, able to shift forms quickly and imitate creatures perfectly, even their most prized strengths and traits. This masterful imitation does not come without a price, however. Dopplegangers have assimilated many different creatures, and under extreme duress they have trouble differentiating between them. When this happens, they become a 'Thing'.

*Unworldly howl*

A Thing is a twisted amalgamation of all of the objects and people a doppleganger has assumed. Incredibly dangerous and unpredictable. This is the true form of a shapeshifter.

Family of Imitators

A doppleganger is an inhuman thing that looks human (or looks elven, or dwarven, etc). It can also look like any object of a certain size. The types of forms they can take depend on what they've encountered and consumed.

These monsters are statistically the same as how they're listed in the Monster Manual (type v), but with the following changes:

• Because shapechangers confound the divine powers that be, they are immune to radiant and necrotic damage, even if assuming the form of something vulnerable against such damage.
• If you encounter a doppleganger that is imitating YOU, you are immediately surprised and cannot save against this. However, this surprise effect can only effect you once during combat.

Formless Shapechanger (Ditto) - Challenge 1/2

More novelty than threat.

• A small blob-like creature, these shapechangers are often mistaken for oozes. 
• They can assume the shape, size, and texture of various small objects. However, this imitation is poor, and only a simpleton would confuse the creature for the real thing (low DC check to reveal).
• These roly-poly shapechangers are prized by rich nobles to be used in parlour games and during parties. Extremely rich families sometimes keep them as pets.
• Once a shapechanger has tasted blood, it becomes a Mimic, able to grow teeth.

Mimic - Challenge 2

A mimic midway through its transformation into a changeling.

• Mimics can only imitate simple and inanimate objects such as doors, walls, floors, chests, etc.
• A mimic forms inside of itself a blood-red gem. This gem holds the image of their true form and various other unworldly memories. It is worth 1d4 x 25gp.
• When a mimic consumes the brain of a sentient creature, it can then change its appearance to that race of creature. Consumption of brain matter also imbues it with all of that creature's memories. It becomes a Changeling.

Changeling - Challenge 3 (able to be played as a PC race in some games)

• A changeling can imitate any humanoid creature it sees. It also gains the 'telepathy' trait.
• A changeling can only perfectly imitate creatures of races who's brains it has consumed. 
• A changeling is susceptible to charm and sleep effects at this stage, but has advantage against them.
• A changeling cannot imitate weapons or inanimate objects while imitating a person.
• A changeling's internal gem is worth 1d4 x 50gp.
• Changelings can telepathically bond to a single creature, assuming that form perminantly. Now that they are functionally that creature's double, they are psychically linked. If one dies, the other dies as well. When one is harmed, the other feels the pain as well.
• This is the stage at which a changeling can choose to continue down the path of evil or attempt to fully hide its true nature. The changeling is compelled to consume brain matter, and must make Constitution saves (moderate DC) at the end of every ten-day to resist this compulsion. Once more than one sapient race's brains are absorbed, the changeling becomes a true doppleganger.

Doppleganger - Challenge 3-4

Seeing a doppleganger as yourself is psychologically unnerving.

• A doppleganger can imitate any race of sapient creature it has seen and encountered. While imitating these creatures it is identical to them in all but statistics.
• A doppleganger, using its telepathy, can peer into another creature's mind and memories, imitating any person that that creature has known or thought about. 
• Consuming a person's brain imbues the doppleganger with the consumed creature's powers. Now, when it imitates that specific person, its stats become identical to that person's stats, provided they're better than its own. This includes hit points, armour class, observed weapons, and class features.
• A doppleganger can only use the powers of the creature it is currently imitating. If it's a warrior, it cannot cast spells unless it assumes the form of a spellcaster.
• When a doppleganger imitates a creature using weapons, it forms those weapons out of its own flesh. They deal the same damage as those weapons would normally, and have the same tensile strength. Dopplegangers cannot imitate the effects of a magical weapon/armour, but they can perfectly imitate their appearance.
• A dropped doppleganger weapon acts as an extension of its body, able to imitate other things of a similar size. A doppleganger can create no more than 4 weapons at a time. When the doppleganger dies, these weapons persist. If they kill and consume the creature who killed their host body, they can reform with all of their memories and abilities intact.
• Dopplegangers are immune to charm person, hold person, and sleep spells. They will, however, still make spell saves against them. On a failed save, the doppleganger pretends to be affected by the spell, attempting to fool its enemies.
• A doppleganger's gem is worth 2d4 x 75gp
• When a doppleganger is bloodied (at half hit points or below) it must make Constitution saves at the beginning of its turn (low DC). If it fails it transforms into a Thing.

Thing - Challenge 5-6

• A Thing is a monstrosity, capable of three attacks per round, and a fear aura (Spell Save DC equal to the highest level spellcaster whose brains it has consumed, or whichever DC is referenced if you don't know).
• When transformed, a Thing immediately gains 8d6 hit points and has resistance to all non-magical weapon damage. It is, however, now vulnerable to fire.
• A Thing's attacks are randomly determined. Each attack draws on a creature that it had imitated in life. Attacks with an asterisk can only be used once. If you roll them again, the Thing uses a basic Slam attack (doppleganger stats).
• A Thing's gem is worth the same amount as its Doppleganger form's gem, but plus 100gp extra.

Roll 1d8	Attack	Effect
1.	Morningstar Swipe	+6 to hit, 1d8+5 bludgeoning damage.
2.	Pseudopods	1 or 2 targets, +6 to hit, 1d6+5 bludgeoning damage each.
3.	Impaling Tendrils	+4 to hit, 2d6+3 piercing damage. Target must make a Dex save (moderate DC) or be impaled, taking another 1d6 damage and is restrained.
4.	Magic Missile	Part of a wizard’s torso emerges from the Thing. It casts magic missile as a 2nd level spell.
5.	Suggestion	(Moderate Spell Save DC) It suggests that the target should attack its friends.
6.	Melf’s Acid Arrow	(Moderate Spell Save DC) It casts acid arrow as a 3rd level spell.
7.	Hold Person*	(High Spell Save DC) Part of a cleric’s torso emerges from the Thing.
8.	Cure Wounds*	It casts cure wounds as a 3rd level spell.

40 "important" questions answered about Generica.

Recently Scrap Princess on Google+ (who writes an incredible blog, Monster Manual Sewn From Pants, check it out!) wrote out a list of "important" questions that every DM should eventually be prepared to answer about their game world. Said list was inspired by a similar, but more straight forward, list of questions made by Jeff Rients.

Below are my answers to both. They've been mixed and mashed up together into one big list. You wanna parse them out, you gotta visit their original author's sites, which you should do anyway because they're cool people.

1. Is there weaponized squid?

Yeah. You can get them in the Jagged Bone Islands, along with dinosaur mounts. That place is straight up Monster Hunter.

This is where you gotta go.

2. What is the deal with my cleric's religion?

You can worship any deity you can come up with, though he/she/them may not be recognized by ordinary folks, who will lump them in with either the "old gods" or the "new gods", neither of which are thought well of.

3. Is there undead robots?

Zomborgs. They patrol the corrosion wastes of the Praxis Territories. They have rust monster powers and can only be killed using weapons made of Rowan and Ash in equal measure, or so the old coot dwarves say.

"Fused in unholy union of flesh and metal..."

4. Where can we go to buy standard equipment?

Every town of a 100 souls or more must have an 'item shoppe', where most inventory items can be purchased. Smaller villages make due with travelling tinkers and caravans. The best place to buy supplies is the capitol city of Gran Remiel.

5. Where is the nearest dragon or monster with type H treasure?

In Remlia? The Ice Queen is a monstrous despot who has a tower in the northwest corner of the country, along the shore. The Ice Queen is dead. Her 'type H' treasure sits unguarded and unclaimed in her tower.

The queen is dead. Long live the queen.

6. Any legendary lost treasures I can be searching for?

The monarchy still offers a sizeable reward to anyone who can recover the lost crown of Ventrix Battlehammer, lost in a ruin deep within the Everwood. It is said to be a coronet with the eyeballs of seven grand medusa inlaid in its band instead of jewels.

7. What is the most significant tree to the economy of the starting place?

A large lemon tree, planted on the small island where Gran Remiel was founded. "...and to mark that sweet moment, our people planted this lemon tree. Lemons being the sweetest fruit available at the time".

8. How much money can I make inventing siege engines?

Innovations in siege warfare technology are greatly rewarded by the monarchy, as titans are becoming a growing threat to the country. Covenants known to reward such inventions are the Lady's Alliance, the Slime Riders, and Red Falcon.

9. Do icebergs walk across the land?

Not since the age of fire, but few venture far north enough to see the great ice flows anymore. They very well still might.

10. What do birds know?

Where the worms at.

11. Where can we go to get plate-mail custom fitted for this monster I just befriended?

Gran Remiel has the best smiths, though Glassbridge is a close second if you're out in the wilds.

12. Who is the mightiest wizard in the land?

In Remlia, Headmistress Von Palaque, archmage and elected leader of the Gran Remiel magic college. South of the border, there are seven evil high magister elves who rule the desert nation of Figaro. All of whom are more powerful.

13. Who is the greatest warrior in the land? 

Tavish Sang. Human warrior, ex-leader of the Remlian army, now the Red Hand of Tiamat. Tavish Sang was killed on the moon by adventurers. The cult of Tiamat has yet to find a new Red Hand. 

14. Does medicine work like it does here but no-one knows CPR or does it work like a cartoon so I cure amnesia with more head injuries or does it work like medieval euro people though it did with demons in your teeth?

When in doubt, cartoon rules apply. However, not everyone is aware of this. Especially not those who practice medicine.

15. I want to play a hobbit but really I'm the fleas controlling the hobbit. Where is that in the book?

So friend of the blog Natalie Bennett has applied a ruling that I like to use. "When making a character, you have to be able to explain it to me while keeping a straight face in order to be allowed to play it". This is known as the Bennett Rule. 

16. How much could I rent my body out to spirits before I lost control of my character?

A human body can hold up to 1d6 spirits at a time. Dwarves 1d4. Elves, tieflings, and other fancy fey races can hold up to 2d12. Half-orcs and halflings can only hold 2, which it's believed is because they have tiny minds. If you go over your allotted limit, the spirits drown out your original personality, and you cease to exist as a person.

Payment for a rented body is typically 6 soul gems a month. Double if the body is considered really hot. 

An abundance of ghosts.

17. How about gladiatorial arenas complete with hard-won glory and fabulous cash prizes?

Port Martel has a famed underground gameosphere, where pirates and lizardfolk do battle for the amusement of garish nobles. Its very Thunderdome.

18. Are there any secret societies with sinister agendas I could join and/or fight?

Zöströ is a secret cabal of nobles and trade concerns who aim to rid Remlia of its queen, end the divine Battlehammer line, and institute the dreaded practice known as democracy. They are frequently linked with the mercenary company Red Falcon.

19. What is there to eat around here?

Remlia produces a great deal of pigs (spherical) and cows (cube-shaped). Both of which produce cylindrical haunches of meat held around a single bone. This life restoring meat can also sometimes be found held within the broken walls of dungeons.

How food make.

20. What level do I have to get my character to before I am the GM?

I dunno. 10th level? If you've stuck around in this campaign that long, I don't see why not.

21. What is the dumbest thing I can spend my money on?

Debatable. Either the "100 pies for 100gp" special held by Myrtle's Fine Baked Goods and Supply in Gran Remiel, or a really expensive and stupid looking hat, probably.

22. How ugly can my guy be? Like Can I basically be a walking fish?

"Walking Fish" is a derogatory term used to describe dragonborn, which you can play. You can be as ugly as you like, provided you can roll with people reacting to you in kind.

23. Which way to the nearest tavern?

In Gran Remiel, down. 

24. What monsters are terrorizing the countryside sufficiently that if I kill them I will become famous?

Titans.

They are exactly how they look and sound.

25. Are there any wars brewing I could go fight?

Remlia is currently at war with the southern nation of Figaro, where all the evil elves live. They're also technically still at war with the Dragonborn in the Praxis Territories to the north. Conflicts with the Ice Queen have ended since her death.

26. Is there reverse fire? If so, is there reverse water?

Not as of yet, but we have our top men working on it.

27. Can I invent an insect?

I dunno, can you? I'd probably say yes.

28. Which is the rome but with lava fire country in this world?

One of the city states of Figaro is that. It is ruled by the High Magister Fanfar, Master of Infrastructure. Hail Fanfar, lord of flame.

29. Who is the richest person in the land?

In Remlia, the princess-regent Penelope Battlehammer.

Elsewhere, High Magister Mindartis of Figaro, Master of Coin. Mindartis is dead, killed by a 'hold person' spell and a 1000 foot drop. Hail Fanfar, lord of flame.

30. Where can we go to get some magical healing?

The church of light allows all good aligned creatures into its halls to be healed...for a "small" donation of coin and blood.

31. Where can we go to get cures for the following conditions: poison, disease, curse, level drain, lycanthropy, polymorph, alignment change, death, undeath?

Poison/Disease/Curse can be removed in any major church/temple, for a fee.

Lycanthropy/Polymorph/Undeath require older magics and remedies. Seek the druids of the Everwood.

Death can be reversed with a Reincarnation ritual. Raise Dead does not currently exist in Generica as it is currently written.

Alignment is not real. It is an invention of gods to hold mortal beings back. It does not exist.

32. Can my character not be real , but a hallucination of another character?

Yes. That said, if you want to play that, its on you to bring the bulk of the rules to the table for it.

33. What cultures approve of cannibalism?

Figaro elves, desert halflings, and the savages of the Eastern Badlands.

34. Can I start with weapon hands?

Catpeople and sometimes Golems start play with claws, which deal short sword damage. If you're playing a character whose hands got chopped off/replaced with/transformed into weapons, you can use it normally but take disadvantage to most charisma-based situations.

Also, you can't hold kittens/shake hands/masturbate with sword hands. So there's that. 

35. Is there a magic guild my MU belongs to or that I can join in order to get more spells?

The magic college of Gran Remiel is the largest collection of non-elven magical knowledge in the country. You can often learn new spells there (plus get your degree in under three years!).

The only thing approximating a magic guild is the Remlian Mage's Union (local 667), which you need to be registered under before you can legally cast spells in the capitol.

Gran Remiel magic college and tower.

36. Where can I find an alchemist, sage or other expert NPC?

Gran Remiel for highbrow, fancy experts. Port Martel for lowbrow 'street' experts.

37. Where can I hire mercenaries?

Mercenary companies that aren't evil are rare. It's much easier to buy a Pawn.

38. How does physics work in this world?

migelfutosi on Twitpic

You ever see an anime? It's like that most of the time.

39. The lamp oil? Is that like cooking oil, kerosene, white spirits or napalm?

Kerosene. You can chuck a lamp at an enemy and it'll do the same damage as a flask of oil + torch. You'll ruin your lamp though.

40. Is there any place on the map where swords are illegal, magic is outlawed or any other notable hassles from Johnny Law?

• Gran Remiel: Magic is regulated but the bureaucracy that enforces it is bloated and ineffectual.
• Port Martel: Magic is outlawed and is punishable with excruciating death.
• Greenest: This halfling town has banned piercing/slashing weapons. People staying in town must have their weaponry peace-bonded in clinging-gel.
• Fort Woodsummit: Any/all able bodied women and men can be conscripted into military service in the event of a Dragonborn attack. Refusal is considered treason, punishable by death.

Bards in Generica

DM Note: This class has only been playtested a little, and most likely still has holes and inconsistencies in its design. Feel free to point any out in the comments. Thank you.

There is no class more divisive than bards. Some people love them. A great deal more hate or dislike them.

I think the “jack of all trades” mindset with bards has actually crippled the class. A bard plays at being a rogue, but does not get the benefits of one. A bard has the appeal of a wizard, but with less capacity for spells. A bard fits into the role of a leader, but isn't as adept as a cleric.

Flavour wise, they’re better than any other class at doing one particular thing: Performing. Other classes aren’t busting out lutes, or using their knowledge of tall tales to gain an advantage. Why not go all in with that concept. So here’s a bard that is defined as being almost 100% support. Instead of being a dabbler in many things, they do one thing, really really well.

Bards in Remlia

"Oh, you're absconding with our cleric's body? Let me play you the song of my people"

-Remlian bard, one round before being eaten to death by a business of dire-raccoons.

"Bards make queer adventuring folk. They don't fight much, they're no good with a blade in a pinch, and I 'aint never seen one castin' charms or hexes. Half the time I wanted to put me boot through their lutes. But while I journeyed with one we never had to sleep in stables, me belly was always full, and we was all generally more pleased with things when they were done. Can't complain, I suppose"

-Dwarf from the Praxis-Territories.

"Yug Nagyup!!!"

-Goblin curse against bards, roughly translates to "Play Freebird!!!".

The party is always hale and hearty with a bard along.

Generica Bard

The bard is a master of performance, influence, lore, and deception. She is a positive force in a company of heroes, ensuring their (and her) story will be heard.

Race: In Remlia, bards are typically human or halflings. Tiefling bards are also not uncommon, considered a travelling novelty. In systems which treat race as class, bards are human or human-ish.

Hit Points: Bards gain hit points as rogues/thieves do.

Attacks: Bards do not gain bonuses to attack rolls outside of their ability modifiers. They do not start play with any weapon proficiencies.

Skills: Bards have access to skills as rogues/thieves do. They start play with a +5 class bonus to performance and persuasion.

Saves: Bards are especially good at getting out of tight spots, and are wise to the trickery of fey creatures. They add their proficiency bonus to Dexterity saving throws, and have advantage on saves against being charmed or put to sleep. If you’re using an older 5-save system, they save 2 points better than magic-users.

Equipment: Bards start play with 1d4 instruments (player’s choice). They are proficient with all of these 1d4 instruments. They also start play with a thick notebook, an ink pot, and quills. They get to roll 1d4 + 1 times on the ‘Random Trinket’ table.

Bard’s Chant: Bards are best at assessing a situation and encouraging their allies/discouraging their foes. This can take the form of song, chant, playing their instrument, or even just stirring advice. Once per round, as an action (or reaction) the bard can grant an ally within 60 ft of her, that can see or hear her, advantage on an any roll. The bard can also use this to grant disadvantage to an enemy creature’s roll (same distance).

Grand Experiences: Bards are famous for embellishing tales of their companions’ heroism. While the bard is in the party, everyone earns 10 + level percent more experience (Ex: A 3rd level bard earns herself and her party 13% more experience. If they receive 200xp each, the total is bumped up to 226xp each).

Stupid Hat: Bards often adopt the peculiar fashions of esoteric nobles and scions of forgotten civilizations. This makes them stand out like sore thumbs, but it attracts the attention of the ruling class. The bard starts play with a really ugly, stupid looking hat. While wearing this hat, the bard has advantage on all rolls dealing with nobles or royalty, but they take a -1 penalty to AC from all attacks.

Leveling Up: Bards in Generica cannot advance past 10th level. Afterwards they must multiclass to keep leveling up.

Level	Prof. Bonus	Features	Spell Slots
1st	+2	Bard’s Chant, Grand Experiences, Stupid Hat	-
2nd	+2	Bardic Spellcasting, Busking	1
3rd	+2	Custom Song	1
4th	+2	Ability Score Increase	2
5th	+3	The Perfect Bluff	2
6th	+3	Custom Song	2
7th	+3	Musical Patron	3
8th	+3	Ability Score Increase	3
9th	+4	Custom Song	3
10th	+4	-	4

Bardic Spellcasting: As an action you can cast any spell in the spell list provided you are able to cast spells of that level. This spell can be decided on in the moment, and does not need to be prepared. The spell is played like a song, and only requires a verbal component. Bards are able to cast any spell, from any other class, so long that it is of a level equal to half of your current level, rounded down (Ex: a 4th level bard can cast up to 2nd level spells. At 4th level she has access to 2 spells per day).

Busking: Once per day, when in town you can play music for renown, gossip, and money. When in a public area with people in it, you can make a perform skill check. Success on a DC 10 earns you 1d6 gold pieces. DC 15 earns you 2d6 gold pieces and the positive attention of an innkeeper. DC 20 earns you 2d10 x 5 gold pieces, and a choice bit of information/secrets valuable to the current adventure (NPC info, secret passages, tactics of an enemy, the GM’s gotta give you something).

Custom Song: Bards are unlike other casters. Their power comes solely from themselves and their collected stories and songs. A custom song can be played once per day as an action, and has a minute duration equal to 1 + your bard level. You can end a custom song as a swift action. Unless otherwise stated, you are immune to the effects of your custom song. When you first receive a custom song, roll on the tables below: a d4, a d8, a d10, and another d12. With each result combined you should have your custom song’s title, tone, and effect.

Bards gain a custom song at 3rd, 6th, and 9th level. If this feels too infrequent at the table, GM's are encouraged to adjust as they see fit. GM's are also encouraged to expand the Custom Song table with new names, effects, and tones as the game progresses; crossing off taken entries and writing in new ones.

Song Title (d4)	Song Subject (d8)	Song Tone (d10)	Song Effect (d12)
The	Lady’s - twice as effective against female creatures.	Joy - Allies within 10 ft of you have resistance against fear.	The ghosts of all creatures that have died in the immediate area (DM’s discretion) in the past 1d4 days appear before you, lending their aid to you.
Our	King’s - twice as effective against nobility.	Sorrow - All creatures within 30 ft of you have disadvantage on saving throws	Your song allows all allies that can see/hear you to push through the pain of battle, gaining damage resistance.
A	Pauper’s - twice as effective against commoners.	Hymn - All non-evil clerics, paladins, cultists within 60 ft gain 5 temporary hit points.	Your song charms 1d4 creatures that you can see. These creatures will act friendly to you for the rest of the song’s duration. If harmed or attacked, the effect ends.
My	Dragon’s -twice as effective against dragons.	Lament - You have disadvantage on saving throws.	2d6 creatures that can see/hear you are overcome with sadness. They must make a Con save (Hard DC) or fall prone, weeping for the song’s duration.
	Fairie’s - twice as effective against fey creatures.	Ballad - Allies that can hear you heal an amount of hit points equal to your level.	Your song imbues all allies that can see/hear you with heightened awareness, while dulling the senses of nearby enemies. Allies get +1 to all rolls, Enemies get -1 to all rolls.
	Soldier’s - twice as effective against those in heavy armour.	Waltz - All allies within 25 ft get a 10 ft bonus to their speed.	Your song strikes dread into those who hear it. All creatures who can see/hear you must save vs fear. Functions similar to Turn Undead (except non-lethal).
	Accursed's - twice as effective against undead.	Dirge - All creatures within 30 ft of you are slowed.	Your song is meant for you and you alone. For the song’s duration, you have a +5 bonus to all rolls and AC.
	Bruiser’s - twice as effective against large creatures.	Samba - All creatures within 30 ft of you are immune to opportunity attacks.	Your song riles up the blood of martial combatants. All fighters/barbarians/rangers/monks in your party fly into a rage (they gain the rage power temporarily).
		March - At the start of the song, you can command 1 creature you can see to move up to its speed in any direction as a swift action.	Your song causes magic to weaken and dissipate. All spells cast by creatures who can see and hear you no longer function.
		Aside - No effect.	Your song causes every creature that can hear and see you to suddenly remember their mothers. For each creature, roll on a random reaction table. Creatures also have disadvantage to all rolls for 1d12 rounds.
			Your song enrages your allies. All allies that can see or hear you get disadvantage to all rolls, but if they succeed their rolls are treated as critical successes (maximum damage, flawless execution, etc).
			Your song’s cadence vibrates at just the right frequency. One target that can see or hear you must make a Constitution save (moderate DC). If they fail, they are immediately knocked unconscious.

The Perfect Bluff: You've become adept at weaving tales and telling pretty lies. Now, you have the perfect lie. Once per game (as in, once per whole campaign) you have the ability to tell a perfect lie or perform the perfect bluff, which anyone will believe without question. This bluff has the ability to topple kingdoms, incite war, or bring tyrants to their knees, weeping. Devilish, Demonic, and Celestial beings are allowed to make a save against believing such a lie, but they do so at disadvantage.

Much like a wish spell, or a sacred artifact, this is a power with many unforeseen consequences, and should be used carefully.

Musical Patron: You’re now talented and noteworthy enough to receive a letter of patronage from a person or institution devoted to honing the skills of musicians, poets, and storytellers. Provided you can reach them (Identity and location provided by the DM), you gain access to a household and all of its amenities. This includes a room, a monthly stipend, provided meals, and access the wisdom of various instructors and libraries. You’re also now trained in the playing an additional instrument, which is loaned to you for free.

However, you will be required to perform for your patron at her/his leisure. Failure to do so may result in your patron abandoning you and retaking any possessions given to you.

Bards dressed in the Gran-Remiel style. Note the stupid hats.

Bard dressed in the Figaro style. Also, stupid hat. 

Catperson bard. Ostentatious clothing, stupid hat. 

Stupid hat.